Life as I Want It

is what I strive for but in actuality, complexity is what I engage in. At 20, nothing in my life seems to be in any place. It’s scattered all around me. Am I scared? Scared that independence of mine is slowly going away and becoming reliant on others. Standing firm on my ground and isolating myself from the world. Things are starting to become where it all started before. Closing myself because I’m scared and scarred. It’s so right but so wrong. So good but so bad. Everything, what is it? Why is this so? Don’t know what it may be but all I need is very simple. Just something that is so near but so far. Let’s just put all this down and liberate myself again. 

Sometimes life goes by us so fast that we forget to take time out and think of what and why we are doing things. It’s only when you stop and think, you find yourself standing alone. At times, I do things and set straight for that goal and doesn’t really look around to see who is still standing with me. However, if I took the time out to look around, I find that I’m not alone but there are people who are trying to help me go towards the right path. 

I wonder if I didn’t find out that I was doing this alone, will I just bear the grunt by myself and just realize it was all a mistake later on? It’s definitely a good question to ponder on. I don’t think I spend enough time to think for the big picture! 

During times when I am weakest, I find the greatest joy in my life. Even away from home, I feel that the love I get from everyone pile to an amount that can’t be explained. Thank you everyone who took care of me! Whether it’s just a small text to the great amount of food you have been feeding me!

This Thanksgiving, I am especially thankful!

One year, it’s been one year since college has started for me. I am supposed to be a seasoned pro at all this college lifestyle. However, every day is still a new learning experience for me. Every day there are new obstacles within my life that I need to overcome. I find this part makes life more and more interesting. I don’t regret this one bit! 

I am thankful for my parents, my friends, my education, my home, my food, my life and everything in this world. In one year, my parents have grown to understand so much about me and my life. They understand who I am and accept me for who I am. They try to see things from my viewpoint now and always there to take care of me when I fall and try to get back up. 

I have some of the most amazing friends on this world! They are there for me every step of the way. True, I do have those people in my life who try to bring me down. But I know in the end of the day, they are just jealous of all the people in my life. I am glad to have grown close to so many beautiful people this year! Living away from home, I learned that friends truly are the family that you choose. 

Being at Berkeley is probably one of the best thing God have given me. I am usually not religious or mention God in normal speech. However, if someone was telling me I’ll be at the Number 1 Public Institution 5 year ago, I would think you are crazy. One event led to another and now I am here at the University of California, Berkeley! True, at times, school (especially science) kicks me in the butt. But at the end of the day, I am grateful to be able to pursue my dreams and major in what I truly love! 

My home is the place to give me shelter when I need a break from Berkeley. It’s nice to have a place to return to when school is over and you need a mini-escape. Leaving for college makes me appreciate home a lot more and the importance of home. Home is where the food flows abundantly and my queen size bed awaits me! Once you leave for college, you will learn how great home is. 

Food, so glad to be going to a school where I can try so many exquisite cuisine whether it’s from DFC or to a friend’s kitchen. That’s the beauty of going to school at Berkeley where you can go Indian or French any day of the week. Living close to home has its benefits such as food from home. I am grateful for having two loving parents who are willing to make half an hour drive out to Berkeley just to give me what I am craving! 

Life have given me so much to be thankful! I am able to breathe, think, eat, walk and explore the world! Sometimes life throw awful things at me. However, it’s from those things that I grow so much and become more and more mature. I am just thankful for everything this world and life have given me! 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

when no words can describe how you feel or the fact that you can’t articulate your emotions or you don’t know why anymore. It’s a problem that I will resolve and will not let go until it’s over. 

It’s crazy to look back in a year, so much have changed! My relationship with my parents, friends, school and even with myself have all evolved so much now. Today marks the beginning of my second year here at Cal. I have no clue what will occur in the year ahead. However, today moving in was a big change. Today was the first time that my parents no longer drove me on my first trip to school. My dad was quite reluctant but in a year’s time, he learned to let go and let me grow as myself. Seeing the bright smiles on freshmen faces I think about my hopes and dreams coming into college. Like them, I was filled with hope of achieving here at Berkeley academically. But then I was defeated, however, from it, a different perspective of life came about when I was in despair. 

I didn’t quite succeed academically but in different aspects, I triumphed greatly. I gained a better understanding of myself and my parents. We all grew together. Today, sitting in my room and joking around while moving in was amazing. I never imagined one day such a great moment could come about between the three of us where I could really connect with them.

Being in Norton 6th floor again helped me realize a lot of things. I walked into this building a year ago, totally unsure of what is going to happen in the next four years and nervous. Today, walking into Norton, going to my room, going to the bathroom, going into Bear Market, being checked by a familiar SM, was all natural to me. It felt second nature to me. This place have became my home. Two years, I think I consider this place my home. Seeing all the girls here run around and trying to make friends, reminded me of myself and floormates last year. I want to cherish this moment where I can still see the smiles on their faces before the drama unleashes! 

Norton left with me many moments, from crying about ridiculous events in life to laughing my head of seeing my friends do the stupidest “martial arts” to pulling crazy all nighters with best friends to being stuck in an elevator at 3am. All those moments marked my freshman year! I can not believe a year later, I can say, I am officially ready for the eventful year ahead of me to unravel itself! Good or bad, I’m ready for it because I know I will always have amazing parents and friends supporting me! Now only for Trinh to move in!

Rough times are obstacles in the road where one must learn to overcome. With each roadblock that comes my way, I learn to break it down and find a different way of getting out of the tough times. Learning from past mistakes, life is all about trial and error. From this last Summer semester, I became more self-motivated on the path that lie ahead of me. I also found two beautiful treasures I call my best girlfriends. These girls are pretty much everything a girl can ask for. Sometimes I wish life was linear. However, after this summer, I learned to just follow the path ahead of me, it may be winding but I know it’s the road I want to take. Regardless of what’s going to happen tomorrow, I will still be happy knowing I chose the path my heart wanted to follow. I think I gave up being sensible and just chose what’s right for myself. This summer was a growing experience with learning how to say goodbye, no and figuring out the path that I will walk on for the next four years. the biggest lesson I learned is probably that I will not always know what will be ahead of me and my life trajectory might just change, but it’s okay with me now! Now off to study for my terrible finals! 

With the Summer Semester ending, I am deeply saddened by a friend moving back home. She is a very great friend of mine that I will be deeply saddened with her departure. However, at least she’s only an hour drive from here and I can always visit her. But to think about it, my two of my beautiful mentors will be moving so far away from me, Costa Rica and NYC. With those three girls leaving, I come to a realization how life can be. Life moves on and we either move with it or be left behind. 

Also in less than 3 weeks, I will be moving in with one of my best friends in my life. She’s what you would call a lifelong friend. I’ve known her since 7th grade. It’s crazy right? We practically matured togher (nah, we are still pretty immature when united). I’m having this feeling in me that’s both exciting and nervousness. I guess I’m afraid of what might unfold between us two. I hope I don’t offend her in anyway because I truly love and care for her. So many feelings right now!

With the Semester ending, I am beginning to have finals anxiety. I’m determined to not fool around anymore and get on top of my game again for school. I think I’ve been too relaxed in some classes and been like WHATEVER. But in the next two weeks, I will pull myself together because I WANT TO GO TO VIETNAM AND SINGAPORE next year! I am determined to study my butt off for this, also I need to start hitting the gym again. I felt like I didn’t bulge at all from my original standing, maybe even gaining weight from all this stress :(

For the last few weeks since I’ve been back at Berkeley, a part of me felt missing, I didn’t quite understand what was missing. I felt that the month I spent at home distanced me away from something, something intangible. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what was missing. I did everything like I used to do, however, I was still not at ease. I thought to myself maybe I’ve changed or something changed. 

However, last night, I finally knew what that feeling was. I missed the crazy, stupid, random, fun moments I used to have with certain friends. Sitting there and reliving random moments of my life was what I missed. I realized, thanks to them, I was able to get through the Spring Semester. No matter what happened, I could easily forget all my problems and leave my stressed world and have fun. Those crazy friends of mine, a big part of my freshman year, how will I miss them once they leave me and go onto bigger and grander things. However, no matter where they go, I know those memories we shared (if they remember) will always be a great part of my college years. Thanks for teaching me where Reading Rainbow and Bobby’s World came from! 

Walking back from John’s place late at night made me contemplate on a lot of things that I seem to let it pass by me lately. How does it feel to not have a home? What is the feeling to sleep every night in the streets with strangers passing you by? What will happen to that girl talking to the boy she just met at the party? Where will the biker go? Are those cars just driving aimlessly or is there someone that is waiting for them? In the last few weeks, all I have been thinking about is school or what to do next. I never let my mind have a chance to wander into its own world. Being able to walk in the serene darkness, something about it makes me feel all warm inside. I haven’t been able to walk outside at night in a while, also accompanied by a great friend. Life is good even though there are turbulence here and there. 

Recently with a lot of free time, I began my quest of cleaning from room to Gmail to computer. With that, I stumbled upon a lot of photos that I never uploaded. It was then that I realized I did not take that many photos in the Spring which makes me sad because I’m not able to record those great memories I made. I know understand why Theresa always carry a camera. It’s really nostalgic at times to look back at old photos. It makes you think of all the fun you had. Determined to take more photos now!

This semester was an eye-opener for me. I was able to see a lot of things that I have never did before. Within this one year, my inner self kept evolving. I never reached that plateau where I was comfortable with who I was. I kept doubting myself who I truly was. I was on that journey to find happiness and content, however, that phase was always in me, I just failed to find it. I kept trying to change myself in hopes of finding a better me. However, eventually I realized the better me was always there, I was just afraid that it was not the best me. 

In terms of academics, with all the grades finally posted, I can say I’m just happy for it to be all over now. It was a rough semester but I survived and looking at the grades, I’m not too disappointed. I got some pretty solid grades that I’m very happy about. I mean there are two classes which I wish I did better in but I guess I am just not wired for those classes. In the end, I’m happiest to know that my parents accept me no matter how I turn out to be. 

In terms of friendship, a lot in the last year challenged me resulting in a common distrust in the human race. I honestly don’t know how to feel towards this word, friendship. I guess only over time will this wound healed. But for now, I am still deeply scarred by the two incidents of this past year. I guess the more you give, the more you lose. But I know one day I will stand back up and know where I should stand in this situation.

For handling and balancing my different lives, I probably invested too much time in extracurricular that I let small bits of my life pass me by. My goal for next year is to cherish every moment and make every moment worth it. It’s not to say that I wasted my time this semester, but I did not enjoy every moment of it, I enjoyed most of it. Balancing different things are always tough. I want to be sure to enjoy the short time I have in life. 

In the end, I had a splendid semester with plenty of memories to live with :)

It’s crazy to think it was only a year ago I made the decision to go to the #1 public university in the world, UC Berkeley. It seem so far yet so quick that a year have passed. A year have passed and I am almost done with my 1st year in college. That’s a crazy thing to think about. Despite all the things that are going around me, Inside, I feel like I’m still that little freshman walking into Berkeley for the first time as an undergraduate student. However, I know that I have changed in many ways, both good and bad. 

Through this year, I learned more about myself, my family, friends and life values. Berkeley didn’t just provide me with an education, it provided me with knowledge that will take me to greater places. Through this year, I have been living by it so quickly that I haven’t had time to stop and think about what is going on around me. Recently, with time, I was able to re-evaluate the little treasures and omens that are around me. 

Within one academic year, I was able to reap so many experiences that I couldn’t possibly get anywhere else. There were times when I felt these experiences might have brought me down, made me have self-doubts and doubts in others. But now, calmly thinking about it, and soaking everything in, these experiences made me stronger and grow more as a person. 

Life is an interesting cycle that makes us moving constantly. There always seem to be an obstacle in our lives. The degree of our problems at times can be higher than other times. But it’s these moments of hopelessness in our cycles that we must overcome to make us stand taller. It’s also this moment when we are most vulnerable when we can open to others and learn how to deal with our most inner selves, the hidden us. During these moments, when we are in need of someone to lean on, we find the meaning of why we breathe daily. This too shall pass and I will live. It’s only a matter of time that this will fade and facing it will be what’s most difficult. But with support, even if we fail in overcoming this obstacle, there is still someone to catch us on the fall back down.